Sosic of seeing fat.

ok well ive decided to create a new blog.
better template. more updated. less depressing. lol

im also going to use it to not only talk about my anorexia/bulimia although that will be the MAIN point. i will also talk about other things going on in my life, hopefully so people can get to know me more.

the link is
www.lover-dearest.blogspot.com

please folllow :)

ok well, i just want to apologize for my last few posts lol. im not sure why, but i do.
anyways, i have been drinking constantly lately, and purging atleast 4 times a day, NO BINGING, just purging! what ever goes in, has to come out, i guess you could say im eating "normally" again (minus the purging) well not 100% normally, i usually go all day without eating, then eat whatever everyone else ate for dinner at around 7-8pm when no one is watching (suddenly i cant even chew gum infront of people) and then i purge it up, i have still been slacking on my exercise, i want to go on my treadmill tonight, i might throw on my sauna suit then go on for atleast 20 minutes, ive been really tired lately.
Tomorrow im changing my ways lol. i would be lieing to you if i said im going to stop purging but i think im more addicted to it then i ever have been! im trying something new, im going to try just living off of "Fad Diets" but switching them up so im comfortable with them.
Tomorrow im starting the "Lazy Zone Diet" lol, it was number one on the list. The original way to do it for the first day is:

Day 1:
Breakfast:
1 Meal replacement bar (pick your favorite, the Zone bar would seem appropriate but others (slim fast, power-bar, balance bar, Cliff Bar, Bag of M&M's (just kidding about the M&Ms))
2. Coffee, diet pop, whatever else but no sugar or creamer.

Lunch:
1. Lean Cuisine Meal
2. 1 slice of cheeze

Dinner:
1. Quarter Pounder or Grilled Chicken Sandwich - neither with mayonaise (from McDonalds)
2. Side Salad
3. Fat Free Dressing


Sounds more like a fucking all you can eat buffet to me lolol. i am going to do THIS instead:


Day 1:
Breakfast:
1 Bottle of water.

Lunch:
1 Slice of cheese
2 Soda Crackers (MAYBE)

Dinner:
Salad. Just lettuce, Vinegar and Black Pepper as Dressing.
1 Slice of Cheese (MAYBE)



So yes lol. thats my plan for tomorrow, im trying to also get back into the habit of keeping track of my food, and planning ahead i weighed in at 110lbs (YUCK) and i want to get down to atleast 105 by the 31 of january, 5lbs. pretty realistic i suppose. water weight or not, i just want to see the number 105 on the scale!

so peace and love everyone! wish me luck.

Im so weak... but not the weak i want to be, i want to be weak as in, can barely stand...or move. not THIS weak, it was my aunts birthday today, she offered me a shot or alcohol i say
"No its ok, theres to many calories" and she says "Oh come on its my birthday! please" my aunt is my WORLD! i love her so much i dont wnat to disapoint her, so i throw back the shot, and i love it... my dad was an alcoholic so once i get that taste of it i need and want more, so i drink...and drink...and drink, next thing i know we are dancing smasheshed! (im still a bit drunk so sorry) then i eat..breaded shrimp, a piece of her cake (which i turned down earlier when i was sober)and a some pieces of cut up chicken.
The worst part is, half way through i thought "look at you, your eating all this...JUNK!" but i didnt stop, and i couldnt purge.
Poeple say nothing is impossible, i think thats a load of shit...i WANT to be thin, but its impossible, i dont think i will ever be happy with myself.
ive been so depressed lately which had led me to Marijuana or Alcohol which leads to eating! i usually take Ecstasy (Bad i no, but its a step down from heorin which is what i use to be addicted too) but no one will sell to me anymore...
i have no one to talk to about this. i want to sit down and talk to a friend baout it, but they will never understand, a therapist trys to hard to help, i guess thats a good thing, but i dont WANT help. i want to be thin! im to fat for recovery, im to fat for anything...i would love to say "tomorrow i will fast" or "tomorrow i will restrict: but honestly... who knows. im weak and pathetic.
tomorrow im staying at a friends house right after school, at school i dont eat, and im to ashamed to eat infront of people, so maybe tomorrow i WILL be able to fast...but, i feel so insecure, to insecure to leave my house. i want to curl up in a ball in my room and just sit there, an imagine im in my fantasy land, my world, where nothing matters, where im happy, where everything is beautiful, where im happy!
Yesturday some douche bag called me ugly, a guy i havent seen or talked to in months,m called me ugly an dtold me to kill myself.
these days i actually think about it, killin myself i mean, but im to scared too. whats that mean? does it mean im weak? it must... seems liek im to weak to do anything now-a-days... i just want to scream, run away, be alone...i wnat thin. i want control, i wnat everything dont have but want.

Well i weighed in at 108.4 this morning! IVE LOST TEN POUNDS SINCE MY TERRIBLE BINGE AND PURGE CYCLE!
im pretty damn happy about that lol. I plan to fast today, im hoping to go for atleast 3 days. ive been feeling light headed lightyly...just like the goo old days lol. i love the lightheaded feeling, when i stand up i quickly black out. its like a high. its like my body is saying "yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee boyyy your getting thinner!" my thighs dont touch quite as much as they use to, but they have a little ways to go before they are back to how they were.
i just thought i would do a quick update on how im doing.
plan for today? lots of water and maybe 2 diet french vanillas (30 calories in 1) i may just have 1.
it depends on how strong my cravings for sweets and carbs are today.

i really need to start updating this on a regular basis, even if no one reads it! i always forget about it unfortunatly lol, i tend to do that, even with pills and stuff i will ALWAYS forget to take them when needed.
anyways hahah. i am now 110-111 ! SEVEN POUNDS! lol most of it is of course water weight but hey! that means half of the weight i gained was never actually fat!
think positive cassandra...
think positive.

so. yesterday i had a mini binge, i only call it a binge because everything i ate was junk food, but it was still a little over 1000 calories,but before the binge i also had salad (just lettuce and vinegar for dressing) and 2 carrots. and the day before i fasted. As for today it is 4:37pm. i got home about..hm...30 minutes ago. i had:

1 Can of Tomato and Onion Tuna (suprisingly VERY good! i added some hot sauce because im a fiene for hot sauce..must be because im portuguese ahah, and i also added some black pepper) anyways, the whole can is only 80 calories! which deffinetly isnt to bad. (ill try and find a picture to show you what to look out for if you want to try it!)

This is the shit! quite a bit comes in a small can also!

1 100 Calorie Hershey snacksters, SO good! a little bag full of chocolate and cereal type mixes for only 100 calories, fucking geniouses, there is also reeces pieces (Which are my favourite chocolate bar!)I will also show you a picture of this

(Thats the box i got with both the Hershey and Reeces, but you can buy them seperatly)


so in total i have had 180 calories! it sounds like so much... which is funny because when i binge im like "oh this is 300 calories! im going to eat 3!) i also bought a Sauna Suit, im going to wear that when i go on my treadmill tonight, i may or may not have a 35 calorie yogurt a little later on, it depends. i plan on fasting tomorrow anyways. plus im going on the treadmill tonight.
anyways! hopefully i will be down to atleast 106-108 by the end of the week! i think i can do it! water weight or not! if the number on the scales are dropping im getting lighter!

peace and love bitches.

well its 5:46pm and so far so good.
ive had 1 cup of 40 calorie hot chocolate, that was much earlier. and i had 1 bottle of water with the Slimquick powder mix inside, and i had one glass of ice cold water.
im not hungry at all, infact i dont even want food. i feel so disguste with how much ive gained.
im pretty damn tired too, i smoked the last of my weed earlier (kind of for a control challenge, to see if i could say NO to the munchies and continue with my fast, which i did!) so now im just tired, which means no excersise unfortunatly... tomorrow im still debating whether i should go to school or not, i want to because its a chance to move around more and burn more calories, plus i will get money which i means i will buy Ecstasy to help lose weight (i know i know, bad. but ive been quite hooked to E for a about a year and a half now). Plus someone that goes to my school has ADD or ADHD, one of them. so im going to get Adderal or Ritalin, which ever he has.
BUT i DONT want to go because ive gained so much..i feel so dirty, and full. like i have layers of fat attached to me and holding me down! luckily i managed to successfully go today without food.
well, i will think about my plans for tomorrow...right now im going to look at some thinspo then possibly shower or sleep lol.

after gaining a ridiculous amount of weight, i plan to fast for the next 3 days as i said, today is day one. its 10:01am, Sunday morning, i plan to work my ASS off! tomorrow aswell, i plan to stay home from school tomorrow so i can atleast drop a couple pounds in water weight or atleast get a flatter stomach! i just want to see the numbers on the scale drop a little bit.
ok so i weighed myself this morning (i had a sweater and thick pajama bottoms on though mind you.) an i was 118! ONE EIGHTEEN! can you believe it! i mean i was down 102 not to long ago. i need to get out of this binge/purge cycle, its just fucking me up. I also need to stop saying "i will try" or "i think i can do it" i need to start getting back into my old mind set, ANA! "i wont try i WILL because i CAN!". I need to start saying no to food again, hiding it in my room, i did whatever i could to not eat, now i secretly take food from my kitchen and eat eat eat eat in my room then head to the bathroom and purge as much up as i can. My meal plan for today is going to be:
3 laxatives.
2-3 waters with slimquick drink powder.
WATER WATER WATER.
and if i really need some sort of flavor (since im just coming off of a HUGE BINGE CYCLE lol) i will have 1 Diet Hot chocolate which is 40 calories, it may also stop me from binging later on.

im going to force myself back into my old fasting habits, it was so much better back then anyways, i felt so...empty,clean,pure,light,in control,like i could do ANYTHING. i felt better about myself.i know i can get back into it, i need the challenge. i need the control.
There is this one particular line by the band Marianas Trench that always catches my attention when he says it, its like he wrote the line FOR me it says "Im in the same place i used to be, but im trying hard not be". im sure tons can relate to it, I starte out with buliimia and then just thought starving would help more, and i fell into ana for about a year...now im back into Bulimia which i despise and want gone, but no matter how hard i try to stop binging and purging and start a fast, i fail...UNTIL NOW THAT IS.
OH Just thought of another line that is EXTREMELY relatable, "Theres something missing im missing the point i did before" which i couldnt agree with more, i am missing the point now, before it seems like i just NEEDED to get that control, i needed to prove to people i could do it, it had nothing to do with weight really, i mean sure..i got a huge rush everytime the number on the scale went down, or when someone said "woah man your getting too skinny", i loved the challenge...i loved EVERYTHING about it! now its like..."whatever"...

a few other lyrics i recommend (All by Marianas Trench) you guys to look up are the following, i recommend them because im sure you can all relate to them, most of them arent about anorexia/bulimia but the way i look at them, THEY ARE!:

LOVER DEAREST ; This is my favorite song ever right now, honestly its the most beautiful song EVER, he wrote it about his addiction to Heroin and it deffinetly sounds like you could refer it to sounding like its about having an E.D (or a relationship even)
ALIBIS ; *sigh*
LOW ; Another really good one. To me, its like what i say to Ana, when i fall into my Bulimia mode and cant get out, and i wnat to crawl back to Ana, so i beg for her back.
PUSH ; Its like describing Anoreixa. "you never really wanted it, youll settle for a bit of it" an the "starte with a handgun, loaded with excuses" we have all been there haha, then the "using like its going out of style" thats suppose to be about Heroin, but i switch that and say Laxatives,iet pills, etc.
ALIVE AGAIN.
SKIN AND BONES ; Title speaks for its self haha, written by the lead singer Josh Ramsay about his Bulimia.
FEELING SMALL.
FIX ME ; Another personal favorite.

lol SORRY! guess you can tell i love this band eh lol, i joined a fast with someone from a forum so hopefully that will give me the extra boost. honestly i dont even feel like eatng today, the thought of food kinda turns my stomach. i just want to feel empty again. i think i may have finally found the point i was missing :)

this is day one of a new beginnig guys! not just for me! for ECERYONE that has lost a bit of their control since christnas, time for some thinspo pictures now guys. PEACE and LOVE .