Sosic of seeing fat.

well i spoke to soon.
hours in the gym and i come home and binge, then take laxatives!
whats wrong with me.
ive decided to take another break off the computer. it seems like everytime i post about how good i do i just jinx it. lame excuse i know. but maybe if i keep telling myself the computer is whats making me binge i will believe it.
tomorrow im eating one salad and starting back up on some diet pills and im going to take more laxatives. instead of just jumping right into a fast. because apparently that doesnt work anymore.
anyways i hope everyone is doing better then i am. i will be back the days after new years

peace and love xo
the fat failure.

well this is the first time ive been home all day.
let me tell you my day

i woke up at 10:30 and had a green tea. then played my wii fit till 12:30 and then got ready and grabbed a bottle of water. i left with my dad at 1 and then got home at 2:30 and played wii fit till 3. my aunt came over and we went top the gym and i only burned 500 calories. and i just got back now and drank a diet cream soda.

im sooo tired!
but im going to have another green tea shortly and then play the wii fit some more. then drink a laxative tea and take a break and watch some 90210 lol. then play wii fit again later of course.
thats about it. tomorrow im still not sure about what im going to do. to eat or not to eat! guess i will find out tomorrow.

with my wii fit!
i know for a fact this BRILLIANT invention will help me get to my second goal weight. that is if i control my binging.
today i binged and purged AGAIN. seems like ive been doing that a lot lately. my weight is up to 108. FROM STUPID MIA! i never thought i would say this but:
"ANA I WANT YOU BACK!"

so tomorrow im goingv to welcome her back and kick mia out. that hoe.
i have my entire planned day tomorrow. but i will tell you that later. back to today. i binged and binged and purged had maybe a little under 1300 calories thats just a very rough estimated guess. i know ive been saying i havent been to upset about it lately but gah now its just getting extremely frusturating. so as i said i purged. i havent eaten since maybe 6:30 ish... its now 11:14. ive had a green tea and ice cold water. im going to drink a laxative tea later and play my wii fit for the rest of the night. Gee. insomnia is going to be handy tonight! i will probobly be up till 5 am working out.
ive played for about 40 minutes and burned almost 300 calories. woohoo.
tomorrow im going to buy the game "The Biggest Loser" and play that more aswell.

so as i said.
since my weight is up to a gross 108. im going to quickly smarten up and restrict restrict restrict before im back up to a dreaded 110. i always promised myself "NEVER go over 108. its unacceptable now"
funny how before 110 was like "holy shit! woohoo" now 108 is like "BULLSHIT!"
im sure ive said that already.
anywho. my meal plan for tomorrow.. or should i say liquid plan is.
right when i wake up i will make myself a nice warm green tea. then for lunch a bottle of water. then for dinner, a bottle of water. of course if im still on number 1 i wont drink another till im done. and depending on the time im done that i will either have a)diet soda or b)water. Then around 11ish i will have another green tea and then 30 mins later i will have a laxative tea.
and then WII WII WII all night long again.
i HIGHLY recommend getting a wii fit if your to lazy to exercise like me :) sure its pretty expensive but theres always EBAY! :) or Kijiji. lol.

this is a little off the "wii topic" but as some of you may know im in my last year of highschool. and i was planning on taking a year off to travel and such. but now ive decided to go to college right after highschool and get my own apartment. and guess why? because i was thinking "if i live on my own...i can starve starve starve. and not even have to buy food untill absoloutley necessary..." sad? pathetic? oh i know. but great idea non the less. its every ana/mia's dream.
im going to a chef teaching college thing. which may or may not be the best idea lmao. but we will find out :)
or i may go for psychology. but i honestly dont think im "smart enough" i dont have the highest marks. but honestly. all the stuff they teach you in school is useless. who are they to tell me im not smart enough to be what i want to be! im going to prove them wrong by the way. i know i have the street smarts. the PROPER intelligence to help people mentally.
so people! if someone tells you cant do it. prove those mother fuckers wrong. that can go for either jobs, or being thin!

now two quotes. one about my outlook on school and one about thinness.
school:
"The bell rings and the caddle moves from room to room every 70 minutes, im all for learning, just not exactly WHAT they want me to learn or HOW they want me to learn it. im an autodidact. Theres a whole world of knowledge and experience out there, things you dont learn in school. thats what im intrested in"
Ana:
"Mirrors lie to me, tell me you can see, maybe you wont be able to recognize me now."

i really hope i dont fuck up this time.
GO AWAY MIA! your nothing but a greedy fat pig! and i HATE YOU. i fucking hate you ...

its officially christmas :) and i just wanted to say i hope you all have a great christmas!
dont give in to the tempting yummy fattening christmas shit!
think of this as your challenge. test your strength, if you get through christmas eating healthy or maybe even eating nothing at all then you know you will be able to do it any other day!

my mom works christmas day so we opened our presents tonight with my aunt and my brother that came over. im not complaining it was super fun. i got a wii! so exercising will be fun for now on. i also got a new fucking scale! that shows body fat % and water % woohoo. the other stuff i got was just small (but good) things. makeup, clothes, a bob marley thing to put on my wall :P hahaha.
so it was good :)
as for eating? could have been better, no binging or anything. i had some shrimp and maybe 2 brownies. not TOO bad..i had a green tea today though and drank lots of water. i didnt eat till about 5 because i was out with a friend. oh shit i also got drunk! HAHAHA
anyways. tomorrow im going to be helping my dad cook and playing some Wii ahahha so i will be on my feet all day!
im not going to eat christmas dinner. usually if i feel like fasting i will just tell my dad im not eating today. not quite that straight up. he will be like "Cassandra. wana eat?" (As in dinner) and i will say either "no" or "im going to have some fruit". so tomorrow i will say no.

hmm what else this there to say ... not much i suppose.
but i AM feeling rather disgusted with my weight now. im getting noticebly fatter. which is NOT good. so im getting strict as hell food wise.
boxing day is coming up and im going to get SO many wii fit games!

time to get skinny yo!

anyways cant wait to know what you guys got for christmas :)

peace and love!

Miss me? ;)
Well as some of you may have noticed i havent been updating this sucker much lately.
no particular reason, just christmas is coming up so ive been a bit busy. A BIT BUSY GETTING FAT!
HAH! not a laughing matter but meh, lifes to short, i can always get really hardcore and drop a few pounds quickly (hopefully)
im back up to 106. ive been worse so im not TO upset. but i would rather still be at 102lbs or an even better 100lbs.
lately i havent been binging really my past three days have been like this:
Monday: Fast
Tuesday: A couple chips. i had a friend over that ive known for 11 years and i havent seen her for about a year! so i was like fuck it! i ended up drinking laxative tea after anyways.
Wednesday: Its been my worst lately. binged on fatty foods like brownies (that i made ;) ) and cookies and all that crab. but i did manage to eat fruit and drink a green tea and lots of water! im drinking laxative tea as i type this.

So im getting a little addicted to this laxative tea! it tastes like shit. (hahah was that a pun?)
anyways. its like no matter what i eat i have to follow it with a laxative tea ALWAYS with 2 packets NEVER one.
also ive been purging lately. but not in the way you think...
i mean, i used to be able to purge like a champ (not to brag or anything) but lately its been like extreme hell trying to get a little bit up. its like my gag reflex is completely shot! but now everytime i eat something i will burp and a lot of puke will come up . sorry if to much information lol.

so ive promised myself to stop binging. i know, easier said then done. but i mean it. PLUS. i have been doing better with controlling myself . control. god i hate that word.
ive told my parents im sticking to a strict only fruits and vegetables and to not let me eat anything other then those.
ive ALSO decided to start going on the treadmill for at least 30mins every morning. i never exercise in the morning so i thought it would be a good change. maybe it will help me lose a bit more weight. i also plan on walking my dog atleast once a day. now that they are old enough to be walked.
ANDD since christmas is coming up OFFICIALLY TOMORROW. and i know i got a Wii and a Wii fit. excersizing should be MUCH more fun. so im pretty excited.
i think 2010 is going to be a good year ladies and gents!
i can feeel it.

woops laxative tea is kicking in. see ya later beautifuls!
peace and love.

damn all i see are typos :)

hey guys.
well yesturday my day was terrible, just overall.

but im just trying to forget about it and carry on. today is a new day and im going to make the best of it.
i THINK i previously mentioned i drank some laxative tea last night and instead of using 1 tea bag i used two because it said would take up to 6-12 hours, i needed the food out of me SOONER. i could have purged but my mom was near, and i was thinking about doing it anyways but i didnt want to take the chance of her hearing and then babbling on and on and then watching me like a hawk for the rest of my life.
anyways. the laxative tea kicked in this morning (hahah so if TMI) but PERFECT timing. now its like i can start clean today,fresh. no food!
my day today is going to be just water. but im going to go out and buy Eska water because my dad has Purelife water right now and usually i cant notice a difference in the taste of water. but that stuff taste like im drinking piss warm water no matter how cold it is!
if that makes sense?

so its 11:30am and im still doing good. i plan on just creeping around my house, watch some christmas movies!
speaking of christmas. its only 6 days away! i didnt relize how close it was untill i counted this morning. i have SIX DAYS TO GET DOWN TO 100. preferably 99. the 2 digits just seem so perfect.
so my goal untill christmas is to fast for a few days, and the days im not fasting eat ONE salad.
i was 102.6 yesturday morning but after a my binge yesturday im not sure, im not going to weigh myself today (even though i can see the scale mocking me) im going to WEIGHT till tomorrow (haha im so lame :P) since im fasting today.
it shouldnt be anymore then 106...im HOPING.

i also order a few things off the Walden Farms (zero calorie EVERYTHING) website about 3 days ago. i should get them sometime this weekend if they ship on weekends, or on monday.

ANYWAYS. i hope everyone is doing great!
xox

Even after going on a huge rant about my brother previously.
i just had a huge binge i dont knwo why i binged! i dont even want to add up the calories. my stomach hurts from being so full and i can barely move! i jumped from 102 to 106. sure it may not be ALL fat. im bloated and lots of water weight and such but blah! the feeling of not empty is disgusting and painful.
totaly learned my lesson! problem is im so full i cant move let alone excersize. what a lame excuse eh.
im so disappointed in myself its unbeleavable. you know whats funny? when i was 106 BEFORE i was always so happy. always thinking "YES! i went from 108 to 106" then i kepy fluctuating from 106-108. now i fluctuate from 102-106 and i think 106 is absoloutly disgusting and unacceptable.
Thanks to a comment on my last post i am NOT going to let this binge affect me..sure i feel guilty,disgusting,fainfully full etc.
but tomorrow is another day and i WILL be 100 by christmas. im promising myself and EVERYONE else hopefully my weight doesnt go up any higher then 106 tomorrow...tomorrow this is my meal plan
ALLDAY: No food, just water. NO DIET SODA NOTHING.

for Sunday a salad at 4:00pm then burn it off.

and i honestly know i can do it. i know im strong enough to say no to a thing that has no feelings or emotions. Its just food right!
plus its christmas breeak. most people might think it would be harder to restrict. but usually when im home all day i can do it easier. i will keep myself busy. im thinking lots of funny christmas shows! Baking, shopping, excersize. well we will see how it goes.

GAH MY STOMACH HURTS. i never realized how much i hated the feeling of being full. makes me love the feeling of an empty stomach so much more!

URG!
funny how someone can go from happy to super pissed and disgusting feeling in 2 seconds. my dad made pancakes and i go downstairs, and he asks if i want one and i said "yah" (i know FAILURE!) and my brother says "Dont you know how many calories in pancakes..."

WHY SAY THAT! you only let someone know how fattening something is if they are fat and should watch there weight! AM I RIGHT?? yes i fucking am.
now i feel like shit for eating like a fat fucking pig earlier and i feel sick to my stomach and i feel all choked up because i want to cry and slice my fat off.

maybe im over exagerating! but maybe im not!
i mean come on. if someone were skinny shouldnt you say "eat a million fucking pancakes you need them!" not "Dont you know how many calories are in pancakes..."
i hate that stupid fucking kid.
he was the one that always called me fat also! i blame all this on him!
this may be my anger talking.
but he deffinetly diservs a smack upside the head. i hope he knows this is all his fault. i hope he knows i starve because of him and have body/food issues because of him!
:'( i feeel like crap guys.

help :(

FAIL!
(i wrote this out and it fucked up and now i got to write it out all over again! GAH!)

anyways. basically i was just saying how i am out of the little game on whyeat. i ate today because im a failure. what i ate was 1 slice of pizza (fuck eh! i predicted that last night did i not!), 2 cookies, a ricecake and a salad! fat fat fat. BUT since i didnt eat yesturday i shouldnt have gained from this. if anything it should help keep my metabolism going. so im still debating on weather i should beat myself up over it or just let it slide...
of course im still going to feel a little guilty all day though.
im disgusting! i know i know you can say it!

so much for "who needs food anyways" apparently MY FAT ASSS DOES!

but funny story. well not necessarily "funny" but still worth a share. Today at school my teacher took us out to buy us fries and he offers me something and i say "nah" (once again im the only one not eating) and he says "Let me feel your hands" so i let him and he says "They are FREEZING! you know what thats from! NOT EATING! you havent eaten for 2 days" and i say "How the hell do you know school is only from 9-1 i eat when i go home"
hahaha stupidass.

anyways. im starting to feel like shit knowing i ate all that gross food. sure i didnt binge but all the stuff i DID eat was disgustingly unhealthy...minus the salad.
Tonight im going to excersise and tomorrow im going to fast again and then start eating just a salad a day like i didnt to drop those 10lbs earlier.
OH YAH! i was 102.6lbs this morning :D i hope tomorrow its the same or atleast no more then 103. eek.
(hmm..what else did i write before it fucked up..)

well thats all for now i suppose.
im STILL debating if is hould feel like shit or not! what do you guys think? should i let it slide or...
honesty please. i can take it ;)
im a SLOBBBBBBBBBBBB.

"Watch her wither away and remember all the times you called her fat"
Thanks mom,grandma and brother!

Its 10:20pm so this is my last update for today.
well my parents got pizza for dinner today and i LOVEEE LOVE LOVE pizza...but not as much as i love the feeling of thin so i didnt eat any :( / :) i DID smell it for a good 20 minutes hahah and damn did it smell good. but i just got a Pepsi Max and i am currently drinking that.
so i havent eaten anything all day. woohoo. i just weighed my self and i am 103.8, im hoping tomorrow morning i will be down 102.
well...i guess thats all for now. im pretty tired so im going to watch marries...with children, and drink my pepsi max.

Hope everyone did good today! and good luck everyone tomorrow! i know im going to need all the luck in the world to go day 2 with no food especially knowing theres still left over pizza from the best pizza place in the world down in my kitchen.
now isnt THAT bitch.

love you allll! xox

whaddup gangstass!
alright well first off i just wana give a quick update of how im doing in the whole competition. im proud to say im still in haha ive only been drinking diet coke today. tomorrow im going to drink mostly water and just have a few diet sodas.
im drinking only diet soda today because i know for a fact if i drink just water all day i will most likely binge, since yesturday i binged today i felt i needed to have some sort of taste in my mouth. so i chose diet soda.

anyways.
my size 3 jeans are starting to get lose! im so happy about that! haha which means im almost a 2! ive never been a size 2 in my life!
stay strong guys!
who needs food anyways?

NOT US!

hello.
Well on the whyeat forum we have started a little "game" i guess you could call it. there are 15 participants and the rules are simple. no food. first one to eat is out. and today is day 1!
so far so good. ive had 2 Coke Zeros and im drinking a Pepsi Max at the moment and im STUFFED. today at "School" we had a little christmas dinner there was SO much food; Turkey,Stuffing,Mashed Potatoes,Broccoli,Carrots,Cupcakes,Brownies,Cakes! EVERYTHING and i was the only one not eating! hahah awkward much!
but oh well! i feel great!
also dont you just hate when people make anorexic comments, not just about you but other people. i mean, my principle was invited to the dinner and she had a tiny plate of food and my friend says "What the fuck, is she anorexic or something" and in my head im like "bitch please, anorexics dont eat that much!". but i just laughed of course.

This morning it literally took me from 8:00 untill 9:30 to find some clothes to wear today. i looked huge in everything. i have these days way to much lately. i ripped out basically everything from my closet and was like "my arms look to fat" "my stomach sticks out to much" "my thighs look huge!" nothing looked good! i ended up just wearing black jeans and a baggy sweater to cover my thighs!
but overall im in a good mood today :) and im not going to wreck it by:
1.eating
2.being the first to lose in the "competition" for eating!

does anyone else love the website www.pro-thinspo.com , its got everything!
another site i love is www.theskinnywebsite.com. check it out and see what its about.

p.s ive had people say they cant comment on my blog. its weird because i have it set so people CAN comment on it, is anyone else having problems commenting? if so email me at sosic_420@hotmail.com
because i love to hear peoples opinions about things!

hahaha why hello my fellow lovely skinny beauties that probobly arent reading this hahah.
im back, and with a few ups and down im down to 103lbs!
hoping to get down to 100lbs by christmas or lower. so im fasting for the next 9 days.

I know i said i would be back after christmas but i decided to keep posting and writing my daily intakes once again.
so starting tomorrow i will start posting every day again :)

Lately i have been just eating a salad a day. lettuce and cucumbers and 5 calorie salad dressing. ive been staying under 300 calories but had a slight binge yesturday but tried to exercise as much off as i could. today i binged and purged. loved the purging hated the binging, weird.. haha
anyways im sticking to my restricting after the fast. my want for food has dropped drastically and i feel REALLY committed this time.
funny how ive only dropped 5lbs since i took a break. and its been almost a month BUT as i said i had ups and downs, i actually ended up getting up to 113lbs. after i seen the unlucky 13 on the scale i was like "OH HELL NO" and restircted restricted restricted and got down to a somewhat lovely 103.
ive decided to show a picture of me now that im a little more comfortable with my body. and i couldnt stress the word LITTLE anymore lol. so here i go.
Cheers everyone, and heres to hoping for 95 by christmas.

i still got a belly. and you cant see in the picture but my thighs are huge and so are my arms. i wont post a full body shot till im 95lbs!