day one of starting over.

7:00 AM Edit This 0 Comments »
after gaining a ridiculous amount of weight, i plan to fast for the next 3 days as i said, today is day one. its 10:01am, Sunday morning, i plan to work my ASS off! tomorrow aswell, i plan to stay home from school tomorrow so i can atleast drop a couple pounds in water weight or atleast get a flatter stomach! i just want to see the numbers on the scale drop a little bit.
ok so i weighed myself this morning (i had a sweater and thick pajama bottoms on though mind you.) an i was 118! ONE EIGHTEEN! can you believe it! i mean i was down 102 not to long ago. i need to get out of this binge/purge cycle, its just fucking me up. I also need to stop saying "i will try" or "i think i can do it" i need to start getting back into my old mind set, ANA! "i wont try i WILL because i CAN!". I need to start saying no to food again, hiding it in my room, i did whatever i could to not eat, now i secretly take food from my kitchen and eat eat eat eat in my room then head to the bathroom and purge as much up as i can. My meal plan for today is going to be:
3 laxatives.
2-3 waters with slimquick drink powder.
and if i really need some sort of flavor (since im just coming off of a HUGE BINGE CYCLE lol) i will have 1 Diet Hot chocolate which is 40 calories, it may also stop me from binging later on.

im going to force myself back into my old fasting habits, it was so much better back then anyways, i felt so...empty,clean,pure,light,in control,like i could do ANYTHING. i felt better about myself.i know i can get back into it, i need the challenge. i need the control.
There is this one particular line by the band Marianas Trench that always catches my attention when he says it, its like he wrote the line FOR me it says "Im in the same place i used to be, but im trying hard not be". im sure tons can relate to it, I starte out with buliimia and then just thought starving would help more, and i fell into ana for about a im back into Bulimia which i despise and want gone, but no matter how hard i try to stop binging and purging and start a fast, i fail...UNTIL NOW THAT IS.
OH Just thought of another line that is EXTREMELY relatable, "Theres something missing im missing the point i did before" which i couldnt agree with more, i am missing the point now, before it seems like i just NEEDED to get that control, i needed to prove to people i could do it, it had nothing to do with weight really, i mean sure..i got a huge rush everytime the number on the scale went down, or when someone said "woah man your getting too skinny", i loved the challenge...i loved EVERYTHING about it! now its like..."whatever"...

a few other lyrics i recommend (All by Marianas Trench) you guys to look up are the following, i recommend them because im sure you can all relate to them, most of them arent about anorexia/bulimia but the way i look at them, THEY ARE!:

LOVER DEAREST ; This is my favorite song ever right now, honestly its the most beautiful song EVER, he wrote it about his addiction to Heroin and it deffinetly sounds like you could refer it to sounding like its about having an E.D (or a relationship even)
ALIBIS ; *sigh*
LOW ; Another really good one. To me, its like what i say to Ana, when i fall into my Bulimia mode and cant get out, and i wnat to crawl back to Ana, so i beg for her back.
PUSH ; Its like describing Anoreixa. "you never really wanted it, youll settle for a bit of it" an the "starte with a handgun, loaded with excuses" we have all been there haha, then the "using like its going out of style" thats suppose to be about Heroin, but i switch that and say Laxatives,iet pills, etc.
SKIN AND BONES ; Title speaks for its self haha, written by the lead singer Josh Ramsay about his Bulimia.
FIX ME ; Another personal favorite.

lol SORRY! guess you can tell i love this band eh lol, i joined a fast with someone from a forum so hopefully that will give me the extra boost. honestly i dont even feel like eatng today, the thought of food kinda turns my stomach. i just want to feel empty again. i think i may have finally found the point i was missing :)

this is day one of a new beginnig guys! not just for me! for ECERYONE that has lost a bit of their control since christnas, time for some thinspo pictures now guys. PEACE and LOVE .