Sosic of seeing fat.

Im so weak... but not the weak i want to be, i want to be weak as in, can barely stand...or move. not THIS weak, it was my aunts birthday today, she offered me a shot or alcohol i say
"No its ok, theres to many calories" and she says "Oh come on its my birthday! please" my aunt is my WORLD! i love her so much i dont wnat to disapoint her, so i throw back the shot, and i love it... my dad was an alcoholic so once i get that taste of it i need and want more, so i drink...and drink...and drink, next thing i know we are dancing smasheshed! (im still a bit drunk so sorry) then i eat..breaded shrimp, a piece of her cake (which i turned down earlier when i was sober)and a some pieces of cut up chicken.
The worst part is, half way through i thought "look at you, your eating all this...JUNK!" but i didnt stop, and i couldnt purge.
Poeple say nothing is impossible, i think thats a load of shit...i WANT to be thin, but its impossible, i dont think i will ever be happy with myself.
ive been so depressed lately which had led me to Marijuana or Alcohol which leads to eating! i usually take Ecstasy (Bad i no, but its a step down from heorin which is what i use to be addicted too) but no one will sell to me anymore...
i have no one to talk to about this. i want to sit down and talk to a friend baout it, but they will never understand, a therapist trys to hard to help, i guess thats a good thing, but i dont WANT help. i want to be thin! im to fat for recovery, im to fat for anything...i would love to say "tomorrow i will fast" or "tomorrow i will restrict: but honestly... who knows. im weak and pathetic.
tomorrow im staying at a friends house right after school, at school i dont eat, and im to ashamed to eat infront of people, so maybe tomorrow i WILL be able to fast...but, i feel so insecure, to insecure to leave my house. i want to curl up in a ball in my room and just sit there, an imagine im in my fantasy land, my world, where nothing matters, where im happy, where everything is beautiful, where im happy!
Yesturday some douche bag called me ugly, a guy i havent seen or talked to in months,m called me ugly an dtold me to kill myself.
these days i actually think about it, killin myself i mean, but im to scared too. whats that mean? does it mean im weak? it must... seems liek im to weak to do anything now-a-days... i just want to scream, run away, be alone...i wnat thin. i want control, i wnat everything dont have but want.