Sosic of seeing fat.

Ok well i havnt been on here for a while. Things have been tough.
and i know i just started the blog, and it wasnt to good to begin with, you may also know how i mentioned the forum whyeat.net
well ive decided to take a break from that forum and this blog so i can REALLY focus on this "diet".
im going to starve lik ei never have before. im going exercize every day untill im unable to move my body anymore.
im going to get SO thin no one will ever recognize me including myself.
this is it. im so sick of hating the way i look.
im going to throw out all the junk food in my house, i dont care if my parents and brother want to eat it.
im going to do this. i wont let go again. im in control of this. IM IN CONTROL!

Dear Ana:
This place is a hole
but I don't wanna go
i wish we could stay here forever alone
this time that we waste
but i still love your taste
don't let him take my place
don't just sit there

sometimes I wish you would leave me
whoa I'm not sick of you yet
is that as good as it gets
I'll just hide it
I could slip into you
its so easy to come back into you

I stayed for a while
and waited for words
seen but not heard
and struggled to try
my tongues turnin' black
but I'll take you back
your still the best more or less
I guess
I guess

don't you leave me
whoa I'm not sick of you yet
is that as good as it gets
I'll just hide it oh
I could slip into you
its so easy to come back into you

and it hurts me to say that it hurts me to stay
and it might be all right if you go
it hurts me to say that i want you stay but it might be alright if you go

so leave me
whoa I'm not sick of you yet
is that as good as it gets
I'll just decided whoa i could slip into you its so easy to come...
back into you

sometimes i think that the bitter in you and the quitter in me is the bitter in you and quitter in me
the bitter in you is the quitter in me is the bitter in me and the quitter in me
the bitter in you and the quitter in me is (yeah)
is better than the both of us

Thats my favourite song by my favourite band. i dedicate it to my frienemy Ana.
ive lost my friends, my life everything to ana. but im not ready to leave her yet. infact, im ready to make her my only official BESTFRIEND.
sound crazy? i know. but i need her ...

Waaaaaaah sorry :)! ahahah
i went to a concert with my friend last night, she is obssesed with the singer "Lights" haha shes not to bad i must say. she is a skinny little thing so the whole time i was at the concert i was just thinking "what a lucky bitch. i bet she eats whatever the fuck she wants" ahhaha. ANYWAYS. the concert was nice but boy oh boy did i miss this blog and whyeat.net
I dont even want to tell you about my past 2 days. ive lost complete control but im gaining it back.
i have a NEWER plan. im going to stop writing in my mini notebook because i find thats not helping as much as i thought it would. im going to try to get these diet pills called proactol.
www.proactol.com
they sound pretty legit! im going to see if my mommy will order them for me. Merry christmas to me :) hahah HOPEFULLY.
also im going EXTREMELY strict on my new "diet" if thats what you want to call anorexia/bulimia.
well this is what i used to do, i used to fast a lot but when it came down to be nibbling on some food i never limited myself to what it was, whether it was fast for a couple days then eat a 200 calorie treat then fast again. or fast for a day then binge on whatever i seen then fast for a couple days. OR fast for a few days then have a few bites of dinner then fast again.
you get the idea. i basically ate whatever when i could (just EXTREMELY small portions) which is why i think THAT is why im having more trouble fasting then i use to. and THAT is why i think it leads to me binging/purging more now.
so im turning vegetarian for one. no meat. (obviously) no pasta, no junk food, no bread. when i decide to eat an egg (which i never really ate anyways) i will only eat the white. no rice, exsept maybe 1 cup of brown rice just for a treat.
what does this leave me? fruits and vegetables. THAT is what im going to live off of for the rest of my life.
i will fast every other day untill i get the strenthg (or money for appetite suppresants) to go for a long fast.
this is my plan for the next week:

Sunday-Fast, to cleanse my body since i binged/purged today YUCK.
Monday - Vegetables, whether it be 2 pieces of broccoli or a little bit more, depending on what ana says.
Tuesday - Fast
Wednesday - Fruit, same as Monday
Thursday - Fast
Friday - Vegetables
Saturday - Fast
Sunday - Fruits and vegetables.

I will not eat anything more then 200 calories. and i will go to the gym every damn day.
and if Mia DOES decide to take action i will binge on "under 100 calorie Cup-a-Soup" easy to purge, and still low in calories since all the soups range from 35-75 calories.

dont get me wrong! i never ate as much as im making it sound. but some of you may know how it is, you go all day without eating but eat one french fry.
that was like me. so maybe if i just cut all that out, i will stop craving it and stop binging and such.
catch my drift? sure hope so.
even if you dont FORGET ABOUT IT haha. because that is the fast, and the yucky old me. also im going to drink more water now. i used to live off of diet soda. im going to limit that now to about 2-3 a day to keep me full.
well. im going to roll out now! tomorrow i got a busy day, im goingto be on the road pretty much all day. woo hoo. haha

p.s. I GOT MARIANAS TRENCH'S OLD CD! yes i said OLD. i couldnt find it anywhere untill i went to ottawa yesturday and found it! YAAYAAA!
p.s.s i also got a ouija board. awwwww shit! scary shit hahaha. ive always wanted one :)
nighty night my fellow skinnys :)

Ana Creed
I believe in control, The only force mighty enough to bring order to the chaos that is my world. I believe that i am the most vile,worthless and useless person ever to have existed on the planet, and that i am totally unworthy of any ones time and attention.

I believe that other people who tell me differently must be idiots! If they could see how i really am, Then they would hate me almost as much as i do. I believe in oughts, musts and shoulds as unbreakable laws to determine my daily behavior

I believe in perfection and strive to attain it. I believe in salvation through trying just a bit harder than i did yesturday. I believe in calorie counters as the inspired word of god and memorize them accodringly.

I believe in bathroom scales as an indicator of my daily successes and failures. I believe in hell, because i sometimes feel im living in it. I believe in a wholly black and white world, The losing of weight, recrimination for sins, the abnegation of the body and a life ever fasting.

Two days down the drain.
today i binged. i dont even want to talk about it, lets just say i had around 1700 calories, YUCK.
tomorrow i gotta start clean by not eating and then who knows for the next day, possibly a couple slices of pineapple. maybe not even.
gross gross gross. BUT i did binge at around 2:00 and then i walked to the gym which is about 20 minutes from my house at 3:30, and i just got back now. i didnt burn many calories at the gym, only around 300.. plus i sat in the sauna to sweat. im so gross, such a damn failure.
(i did try to purge but nothing comes out, i guess my gag reflex is shot! which means i REALLY need to stop binging because i know i wont be able to get it back up if i try, i even drank sea salt water to help bring it up. but NOTHING)
but there is some good news that came out of today, ive grown fond of the taste of water again! hahaha so maybe i will start drinking more of that, then go to the gym everyday and exersize more and go in the sauna. and hope i will get to that lovely number 100.

this morning i was 105. lets hope it doesnt change to much tomorrow morning.. im HOPING it no higher then 107 again.

"Thin is forever. I will do whatever it takes. I want to be thin more then anything, Even food"

hahahaha well as i previously said i was going to go down to the Gym i joined to bitch them out for not calling "within the next 48 hours" like they said they would to confirm my membership.
well i didnt bitch them out lol, and thank god for that because apparently my name got lost in the system so they gave me THREE FREE WEEKS! plus i get an hour free session of kickboxing AND i might get a job cleaning the female locker rooms (CLEANING BURNS TONS OF CALORIES) soo awweee yeah hahaha.
im going to start going tomorrow :) im preettttyy damn excited.
on a side note i will update you with what has went into my system today lol

3:51pm - 3 Pieces of Melon
4:03pm - I chewed and spit ONE BITE of a piece of pizza. YUCK!!
4:04pm - Diet pill + Diet Iced Tea
5:28pm - 2 pieces of zero calorie gum (Ice breakers if anyone is wondering) DELICIOUS
5:33pm - Diet Iced Tea

boy am i proud. i was planning on eating the cantaloupe and pineapple sometime today, but i changed my mind. im not hungry at all. so i think tomorrow im going to eat the pineapple at 2:00pm and MAYBE 1 rice cake, then hit the gym at 4:00
im in such a grreat mood.
THIN HERE I COME BABY!
now im going to go shower to burn some more calories hahaha. no exersize tonight, gotta save the energy for tomorrow when i work out like a mad man.
FRIDGE PICKERS WHERE BIG KNICKERS

Well as you know, yesturday i planned to cleanse myself by fasting for the day, and then today i planned on just eating a bit of melon,pineapple and cantaloupe.
SO FAR SO GOOD YO!
haha i write down EVERYTHING i drink/eat and the exact time in that mini notebook i bought and so far this has been my day
8:42am - Diet pill + Water
10:11am - Diet Rootbeer
1:09pm - Diet Iced Tea
1:21pm - 5 Pieces of Melon
1:52pm - 2 sips of 70 Calorie per Cup Soy milk

i plan on drinking a nice glass of iced lemon water at around 3:00pm and then 5 pieces of Cantaloupe at around 4pm.
i went to the grocery store with my dad and my brother so they could buy pizza (yuck) for dinner. i was looking at all the delicious foods i WISH i could eat. but the voice in my head just kept saying "you can look but you cant touch fat ass".
ohhh Ana you are such a bitch, but you ARE being a bitch for a good reason. so i forgive you :)
i ran on my tread mill just for a quick 3 minutes so i could burn off the melon i ate which is 16 calories, i burned 20.
DONT WORRY! i plan on doing more later. yesturday i was up 109, this morning i was 107 :)
almost back down to 106.
CLOSER TO 100 !

if i can do this so can you guys. stay fucking strong, the stronger you are the thinner you will be :)

on a side note not ana related. i got a new CD from my favourite band for 5 years the lovely HEDLEY !
boy oh boy are they amazing. along with Marianas Trench
The lead singer of Marianas Trench, JOSH RAMSAY struggled with bulimia and heroin. what a coincidence eh?
i relate to basically all of his songs, and if you have an E.D (which im sure you do or else why else would you be reading this crap lol) you will love Marianas Trench. so give er a listen.


honestly his voice is amazing.

there lyrics are amazing. especially there older stuff.

OH and another thing. i have soy milk (which i mentioned above) that is 70 calories per cup. not bad. it tastes AMAZING! it doesnt even take like milk, it tastes like some kind of treat.. i cant explain the taste at all haha clearly. but you should go buy a carton. i usually just drink it out of the carton, and have a few sips here and there through out the day, so im not having the full 70 calories.

The one on the right is the one i have. YUM

well its almost 7:30pm and ive managed to go all day with no food. this is how my day went
8:30am - Diet pill (what a great breakfast)
12:30pm - Diet Rootbeer
4:00pm - Diet Pill
5:00pm - Diet Rootbeer
5:32 - Lemon Water
6:40pm - Diet Pepsi

both the diet beverages were caffeine free. so today was pretty successfull food wise.
i will probobly have another diet rootbeer in a bit and then a nice big glass of ice water.
im so hungry, but im more hungry for the taste of being thin!

check out this video! its pretty scary but dead on.

Today has went by easier then i thought...
ive been way to depressed to eat, ive been feeling so alone lately its nuts. ive isolated myself from everyone for so long now and i just sit in my room and go on whyeat.net.
and now ive been crying and crying etc.

no one cares that ive been feeling like absoloute hell lately and its been showing some GRAND signs hahaha. i know i said my mom has noticed and is going to make an appointment with the doctor, but she says that all teh time and never has.
i fell asleeo at 1;00pm and just woke up at 4:00 because my dad called me for dinner. i said
"im not hungry because i just woke up" (truth)
he starts going on saying "no wonder you dont sleep at night! your up all night on the computer and sleep all day and end up not going to school!" (somewhat the truth but not quite) i am up pretty late on the computer, but on school nights i usually limit it untill midnight. i just sleep terribly, and i have been lately. i wake up around every hour. and i tell them that, yet again they dont care or try to fix my problems, they assume they will just go away.
i told my mom at 12:30 i wanted to go to the store to pick up that mini notebook and some lemons. she said "ok, wait till your dad goes" so i do.
but he doesnt call me, which is when i fall asleep. and when i woke up and see a bunch of new grocerys and shit i say "why didnt you call me...i said i wanted to go to the store" and his excuse is "you were sleeping"
BULLSHIT! he didnt even know i was sleeeping and i say "you didnt even no i was sleeping..." and i depart to my room to right this.

My parents suck.
but luckily im disgusted by the thought of ANYTHING right and that includes food.
im pissed because that stupid fucking gym hasnt called me.
and i feel so alone. i spend everyday doing the same thing all day alone in my room.
i love it because i dont feel like doing anything else, but i hate it because im sick of it!
blah... i said this wasnt going to be an emo blog, but i cant help it. ive been feeling like hell lately.
oh my dads asking me if i want to go buy lemons now i respond "yah" angrily and he yells "answer properly"
i try so hard to please these fucking people and no matter what i get bitched at.
I JUST WANT TO DISAPPEAR

hello again hahaha.
well im sitting here TRYING to make my blog look attractive, and like something i would want to read. so far im having NO luck. it looks like shit right now i know haha. but it will look decent by tonight im hoping.
anyways

my weight has went up to 109 after that terrible day yesturday. how disgusting, this morning i didnt even want to go to school because i looked HORRIBLE in all of my clothes. so i stayed home...
i have a new plan though, instead of jumping right on the fasting wagon. im just going to fast for today as kind of a .. start fresh type thing. i will only be having ice water, lemon water and about 2-3 diet root beers because i LOVE my diet soda.
as for tomorrow, this is my plan:

1:30 pm : A few pieces of melon
3:30 pm : A few pieces of pineapple
5:30 pm : A few slices of cantaloupe

hahaha and of course i will be going to the gym at abour 4:00pm and then i will go on my treadmill at 10:00pm.
so i have my days perfectly planned. i really want to get down to 100lbs in around 2 weeks. thats my ultimate goal right now, and i honestly think i can do it.
Those diet pills seem to be doing wonders! ahahaha i took one this morning at 8:30am and its kept me feeling very full.
so, so far so good.
My moms going to make a Doctors appointment for me. EEK. mainly because she think im depressed, it runs in the family anyways.
im excited because im hoping i can weigh myself on the ACCURATE scale (when im alone of course) but im dreading it also because i HATE the doctors.
oh and get this.
i didnt go to school today because i looked HORRIBLE in everything i tried on. i looked like a fat slob. i couldnt believe it. so i ended up just throwing on some baggy sweat pants and a long sleeved shirt, but by the time i was ready it was 9:30am.
blah. im disgusting.
also. have you guys ever heard of the actress Shenae Grimes? AH! she is such a thinspiration.

well. after i depressing day full of blood,tears and vomitt!
i am ready to go to sleep.. AFTER i update you on what had happend today after my binge.
After massive binge/Before dinner : I went out with my dad, walked quite a bit i suppose.. but not enough, got some diet pills.
After Dinner : Showered, purged, actually i purged IN the shower hahaha, then i went for a job outside in the cold with a t shirt to burn more calories, then drank ice water for the rest of the day, i did about 150 jumping jacks and 250 jumping rope things.
i broke down after looking in the mirror and seeing how fat i was, i cut... and beat myself up literally, ive been doing that a lot lately. i also ripped out a chunk of hair.

im such a fuck up.
tomorrow i plan on going with no food, and HOPEFULLY that fucking gym i registered at will call me to tell me my membership has been confirmed. im getting sick of waiting.
well good night ladys and gents. im going to sleep and dream of me binging as i do everynight for some odd reason.

Its FREEEZING outside.
i just went for a long jog in a tshirt and sweat pants. im going to do some jump rope in a few hours, then go on the treadmill at 10pm.
GAH im to lazy for this shit. but that is NOT going to stop me!
i need to get thin.
tomorrow im only drinking ice water and possibly 2-3 diet root beer tops, once again I CANT WIAT TO TRY THOSE DIET PILLS :D

p.s. i LOVE chest bones

i had some dinner, once again SOME!
now i am so full i feel sick. oh how i would LOVEEEEEEEEEEEE to purge right now .
actually that sounds like a grand idea :)
see you sooon ;)
time to say hello to my bestfriend. the toilet

im really pissed off and annoyed with myself.
what im trying to understand is .. how in the HELL can i want to be so thin, but cant even keep the commitment of not eating..
im a bigger pig then i thought. i mean come on? whats so great about food anyways?
i personally dont believe in god, or heaven or anything. and now i REALLY dont believe in it. if their was a god, why would he create something so evil such as food. its such an addiction.
i would rather be addicted to crack then food. i would rather kill a cat then eat!
yah it sounds creepy,crazy, stupid, and all that fucked up shit.
but honestly! i cant take it anymore.
im getting really discouraged and im starting to think "i cannot have an eating disorder if i give in to food" ... ever think that?

yuck yuck yuck.
im such a slob.
i stole some diet pills today though hahaha! called Lean+ Extra Strength. reviews have been pretty good so im excited to try them out. so far what i have read online is people have had success losing weight with these things.
and.. as bad as this next thing may sound.
i am going to buy some Ecstasy tomorrow to help start a fast. i use to pop E like it was candy (but better cause these actually help LOSE weight hahaha)
i wouldnt recommend it to anyone though, it has fucked up my body terribly, the doctor said by the time im thirty i probobly wont be able to walk because the E drained out so much of my spinal fluid.
but i DONT care. i cant even go 2 days without eating anymore. when i did E i went WEEKS!
well... a weeek and a half tops. its been about a month since ive done E.
im such a mess.

look at me.. talkinga bout killin cats and popping pills in a damn blog!
lol oh well.

p.s.i checked my weight this morning and i was a solid 105. so i lost one pound.
a million dollars says i gained it back plus probobly more because i binged on the worst possible foods you could ever imagine today. LET ME POST SOME PICTURES! :D laaame.


i only had a couple of these.. but still YUCK.


look good right? oh buddy they are fucking delicious. but dont let the picture on the box fool you, sure they may look sweet and innocent but the 270 calories really bring you down afterwards. but that didnt stop me, oh no sir.. CHECH THIS OUT


these are my fucking favourite. not going to lie. and im pissed my dad gets them all the time, i usually turn them down. but you know, a binge is a binge. i was greatful he got them this time. now i wana kill him and "little debbie" the creator of these little pieces of "heaven" 190 calories though! SHHIITT


pizza, who hates pizza. 190 calories for this little sucker... not to bad for pizza.. but YUCK


i only had half of this. thank god because a full one is 300, so half is 150.

BUT WAIT THERES MORE!
just no pictures,
i had a dang Tuna Melt! the first time in my life. its an english muffin (one half) with tuna (chunky light) and cheese. you stick it in a toaster oven and there you have a tuna melt.
Calories = approximatly 300 .. if not more .
on top of that i had ONE "Fruit bite" which is 60 calories. AND i had a small normal green salad with 5 calorie salad dressing. and i had one small piece of melon, cantaloupe, a grape, one slice of an apple and one small piece of a pineapple.

now that the fucking grocery list is done! LETS TALLY UP THE CALORIES.
YIKES
soo..
270 + 190 + 190 + 150 + 300 + 60 = 1160.
and thats not including that salad and fruit. so add another say .. 60.. thats 1220.
PROBOBLY EVEN MORE
holy fucking hell.

days like this im glad no one reads this blog ;)
tomorrows a new day though ... right ? diet pills and all that joyful stuff will be included in my day.
ppppppppp PEACEEE

Today went awesome, pretty much exactly as planned.
NO FOOD!
i spent 2 hours cleaning my room this morning right when i woke up, which is about 150-200 calories per hour. so thats almost 400 im assuming.
i did around 150-200 jumping jacks. and i did about 50 sit ups.
i moved around a lot today.
i had a bowl of ice cubes to help my cravings and i also had a couple ice breaker mints (zero calories)

i brought my dinner up to my room (i "eat" in my room, then just throw it out) and it was ribs and rice. i looked at it very closely and examined it. i almost got sick. i never realized how disgusting it looked. i threw it out pretty damn quickly.
Tomorrow im going to try for another no food day. i will hopefully have my gym membership confirmed and i will go to the gym and work out.
if i cant handle tomorrow with no food (which i doubt will happen) i have cut up melons,cantaloupe,apples,pineapple and grapes waiting for me in the fridge. i will NOT eat it all. just a few pieces of one of the fruits.
or a salad i bought with 5 calorie salad dressing (if i decide to use the dressing)

i really really hate my love/hate relationship with food.
i like basically the taste of every kind of food. but i hate how it effects me both mentaly and physically after i eat it.
so i just look at it, smell it, and DONT eat it.
thats my plan.
im going to go on the treadmill at 10:00pm, im hoping to burn another 150-200 calories.
im not much of an excersizer.

THINK THIN ERR'BODY!

"oh hello. i didnt see you there!"

hahahah just kidding around. welcome to my blog, ive made a few of these and failed everytime. thought i would give her a go again.
basically this is my journey through anorexia/bulimia. ive lost track of how long this has been going on for. ive went from 140-145 to 106. i will update this every night and i promise you it will get more intresting as time goes on.
this blog is also to help ME.to help me keep keep track of how my days are going. and maybe some day when i recover *IF* i recover i should say, i can look back at this and think "damn.."
but that wont be happening anytime soon.
im going to try and make this blog as joyful as i can haha no one likes to read an emo kids blog.
so today! what has happend you want to no?! well not much honestly, besides the fact i planned a binge (stupid i know) but i did it so i could purge and then start a fast tomorrow, i went to the grocery store with my dad and literally grabbed everything off the shelves and threw them into the cart, my dad looked at me like i was smoking crack, but there was a big problem. i couldnt purge! i tryed everyway and every position, hell i was almost doing a handstand in the shower.
but FUCK IT!
tomorrow im starting a fast and hell i will be damned if i dont suceed.

thanks for reading my blog. it will get more intresting as time goes on. believe me. i have some random things happen in my day let me tell you haha.
let me just show you a quick before and after picture of me so you can get to no me a bit more hahahah



im pretty proud of the changes.. but this is how i see it, the first picture is the draft, and what i am now is the rough copy. i still have LOTS of changes to make before the good copy is done.

p-p-p-p-peace outt gangstass!